Thursday, September 5, 2019

matilda


Matilda was a young women in her late twenties.
even though she looked tens years younger, her hair was tens years ahead,
racing towards a finishing line that was still decades away.
the natural highlights gave her that distinct look that no other girl had.
she was kind and sweet, small and fragile,
but her heart could take on the entire world.
that heart rendered Jeremy helpless on the ground,
shouting silently "not again,"
but again indeed in love he fell.

madly.

her eyes were large, bright and brown,
with a sadness not even she was aware of,
but Jeremy noticed and vowed to take it all away.
he couldn't bear to see another living being suffer,
let alone the one to whom his heart belonged.
she also fell for him and soon said "I love you,"
after making love that night when he met her late after work,
when he brought her dinner that she didn't have time to cook.
he never expected to hear that before uttering the words himself,
as he was mentally preparing to do.
he replied with a smile that reached the nearest star.
and they were happy and vowed never to go to sleep mad at each other.

they took long walks among the palaces,
shared kisses among sweets and listened to stories together as her heart broke
every time the characters suffered an impossible love.
but that wasn't them, luckily, because they loved and cared for each other.

deeply.

the days went by and they moved in together
as they already spent every second they could afford with one another.

and they got slightly mad each day for some tiny detail,
too insignificant to remember now.
they were proud and didn't like to admit their own flaws and faults.
once in a while, they would go to sleep mad at each other.
they'd wake up in the morning longing for the other's embrace,
but then they remembered they didn't fall asleep in each other's arms
and silence would shadow the whole day,
until they had dinner together
and heard stories
and made love
and said "I love you."

but the annoyance would show up here and there,
each time more and more.
and their light turned to shadow and their smiles grew smaller,
until they weren't smiles at all.
and their long walks were reduced to the necessary from one place to another.

no detours.

and they would say "good morning," "good night" and "I love you"
without their heart skipping a beat,
each time emptier than the last,
until those very words became painful to even think about.
they grew anxious about meeting each other at home
and started making excuses to avoid the other.
even in the short moments in which they were together,
silence creeped in and wouldn't leave.
they remembered the days before,
when they were each other's life, world and universe,
song and prayer,
whisper and shout.

they vowed to restart again and they were happy.
they took long walks, listened to stories,
made love and said "I love you,"
and then they fell asleep in each other's arms.
It was good and, in that moment, they were happy.

afterwards,
Matilda would question Jeremy every time he was silent why he was silent.
Jeremy was merely thinking thoughts unworthy to be verbalised,
lost in his mind's world,
sheltered from the annoyances in her.
her spot by the nose,
    that he used to love so much,
was now dull and ugly.

irritating,
mildly infuriating.
she wasn't interesting
and she wasn't happy.

they stopped saying "good night,"
falling asleep wishing they would wake up from a nightmare,
still holding each other as they used to...

...but they weren't dreaming and they weren't happy.

they grew apart and Jeremy grew restless.
her eyes were large, bright and brown,
with a sadness that Jeremy couldn't soak anymore.

he said he didn't love her and she probably cried.

Monday, September 2, 2019

forever

the trauma in my head,
became the monster in my bed
and I can't sleep – not very deep –,
and I can't rest – how I detest! –
because the monster, at night, it snores
and it moves, and it rages, and it roars!

I'm counting seconds as eons on Earth,
regretting everything, forsaking my birth!
I long for nothing, care for no crown,
set me free from the chains that weigh me down
since the cursed day when I made you mine
as I uttered the words "be my valentine..."

"forever," she said and "forever," I replied
and as the days went by, "forever" I complied,
because "forever" didn't feel like forever at the time,
“forever” felt so easy when we were in our prime
and we cursed ourselves forever with “forever”
and they watched us do it, saying nothing whatsoever…

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

the bell jar

as you sleep inside the crystal shell
that I masterfully crafted for you,
you dream the dreams you never tell
and live a life hidden from view.

as you dream inside the bell jar
that I placed above your chambers,
you wish a wish upon a star
that someone somewhere hears your payers.

as you wish inside the glass container
that I assembled with my own hands
you realize that I grow insaner
as I invade your foreign lands.

as you realize the invisible cage
resting upon your weary head,
you gasp for air in screaming rage
and no one hears a word you said.

Monday, March 11, 2019

a spider's thread

what is that sound that loops and cracks,
coming from the bottom of my bed?
maybe it tics or maybe it tacs
or maybe it's all in my head.

what feeling is this that's just so cruel —
the loathed confession I've never read —
the dread of being another fool,
'cause maybe it's all in my head.

what thoughts remain when my mind clears
and the necrophagous ghosts take me for dead?
naught but a plain ol' jar of tears
that pours only inside my head.

what sorcery is this that curses my heart
and turns it into pitch black from red?
may it be an evil seed from the start,
may it grow large inside my head.

what is that dark desire and fiery rage
that freezes me like a spider's thread?
it's my own torturing cage —
oh! the thoughts inside my head...

what are these thoughts inside my head,
what business have they in there?
where else did they spread?
they're killing me... and I'm aware!

Monday, December 10, 2018

in my head

I remember long ago
when all the voices felt so low
and I was left all alone

then they started to call
out my name, out the wall
all the names that I've known

in my head,
in my heart,
and in my soul,
I'm with them,
they're with me
and make me whole

for once in my life,
I'm in love,
I'm in love with a knife

so bring it back to me,
dear wife,
dear wife cut me free

Friday, April 13, 2018

at least in my dreams

don't you understand,
how the story will end?
it starts soft like this
and eventually turns to bliss

but can you really care
for something that's fair?
and can you even whisper
you're happy, not bitter?

all I want from this
is to run away with you,
but you don't even know
what a single kiss could do

all my friends are gone
and I'm really thrilled to tell
that at least in my dreams,
they are all burning in hell

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

never coming home

here I rest alone,
just looking outside my window
there's so much undone
and I feel like a creep, a weirdo

here I hear the whisper
from the shadow that crawls beneath
and it feels it's getting crisper
'cause the story doesn't turn to myth

from here to the shore
or wherever I may roam,
I hear the closing door
for I'm never coming home

today I found your love,
it's made from pebbles and stone
the darkest I can think of
and you will die alone

tomorrow I lay dead
from the sins of my angered heart,
the best I've ever had
was our love grown apart

from here to the shore
or wherever I may roam,
I hear the closing door
for I'm never coming home

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

moon and stars

I want a star,
I want the moon,
I only wish
I could stay up in my room

I want a price
upon my head,
I only wish
you were here in my bed

I want a floor
below my feet,
'cause without you
I feel so incomplete

I want the words
you never said,
'cause without them
I'm better off dead

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

I love you, because... how could I not?

I love you.

...do I? do I really?

I'm quite certain that I do!

...how can I be so certain?

I cannot know, but I can feel it and I feel it just like that!

...so what exactly do I feel?

I can't explain it, I can't put it into words, I can't write a song about it and I can't paint it in all the colours of the rainbow. I feel a sudden rush of blood flowing — no! — bursting through my veins and racing fiercely towards my heart and pumping it as hard as my chest will stand it — even harder — so much it pains me with every single thrust! but that's not it, that's not even the start of it! that's just the droplet that fell from the waves shadowing the sun and threatening to drown me in my own misery... and such great misery is only due to the fact that you're not with me and I'm not even present in the sighs of your thoughts.

...and what is this thing that can't be explained, that can't be put into words or song and can't even be painted with all the colours of the rainbow?

it's love, foolish love, blinded, bounded and gagged love, all the mistakes we can ever make bundled together into one single word — love!

...such a thing, if it were to be real, would certainly be inhumane! would it not?

my dear friend, now you finally understand, for love is truthfully the most inhumane thing that ever dared to be conceived — and it was conceived! and love became the behemoth of cruelty when someone loved for the first time and such inconceivable evil was allowed physical presence in our world.

...how can I then submit to such a thing?

how could I not?

Sunday, May 1, 2016

your greatest hero

you called out my name behind the curtains in your window
like you needed the protection from whom was once your greatest hero
and you said "please go away, for I don't want you anymore"
and I heard your voice was muffled from the barricaded door

you said you've been pushing this just for far too long
and I asked "baby, won't you tell me where all it went so wrong?"
and you said "dear John, I'm so sorry for all the things that I do,
but I just can't bind myself to the idea of someone like you"

somewhere in your life you thought that I was good enough,
but somehow I screwed up and now you're throwing out my stuff
and I can't recall the last time that we kissed with desire,
'cause now our flame burns just like a funeral pyre

won't you take my hand and ride with me through the veins of time?
we'll make a stop in the moment I was yours and you were mine,
maybe you've just grown accustomed to my face
and I would rip it off for good, 'cause it's you I can't replace